Why I Went Quiet

Reflections on a Difficult Month

I have a new mobility scooter! It has not been used much yet, largely because I spent most of the past month battling what was probably a bad cold or flu. Now that I am finally beginning to feel a little more like myself again, I am hoping to get brave and start using it properly while we still have some decent weather here in the UK.

Dear friends,

It has been over a month since I last wrote on these pages, so I thought it was time for a quick update.

The truth is that just over a month ago, I picked up what was probably a bad cold or flu. For most people, these things are unpleasant but relatively short-lived. A few days of feeling under the weather, perhaps a week or so of taking things easy, and life returns to normal.

With Long Covid, however, nothing is ever quite that straightforward.

What began as an ordinary illness ended up wiping me out for the best part of a month. The exhaustion returned with a vengeance. My brain felt foggy. Concentration became difficult. Even simple tasks required more effort than they should have.

Only now do I feel as though I am beginning to emerge from that phase and return to the baseline I had reached before becoming ill.

The setback has had knock-on effects too. My oxygen therapy has been temporarily paused. Various projects and jobs have been left unfinished. Even updating this community, something I care deeply about, fell by the wayside.

What is strange is that I have still managed to keep writing during much of this period. Articles for Sacred & Secular continued to appear. Yet when it came to writing about chronic illness itself, I found I simply could not face it. That surprised me because writing has always been one of the ways I process difficult experiences. This time, however, I think I just needed a break from thinking about illness altogether.

I have been trying to understand why.

Part of it, I think, is that Long Covid already occupies so much space in my life. When symptoms worsen, I sometimes find myself wanting to focus on almost anything else. There are seasons when I simply need a little distance from the constant focus on illness.

Perhaps there is some anger mixed in there as well.

After more than four years of living with Long Covid, I still find it frustrating that something as ordinary as a cold can derail an entire month. There are times when I resent the limitations. Times when I am tired of managing symptoms, pacing activities, and recalculating expectations. Times when I simply want to look away from it all for a while.

I wonder whether that is something others living with chronic illness experience too.

Do you ever go through periods when you cannot face talking about your condition? Times when you step back from support groups, blogs, podcasts, or conversations because you need a break from the constant focus on illness?

If so, I would love to hear your experiences.

For now, I am grateful simply to be feeling a little more like myself again. It is good to be back, and I am hopeful that the coming weeks will allow me to rebuild some momentum, restart oxygen therapy, and reconnect more regularly with this community.

Thank you for your patience during my absence. I have missed being here, and I am looking forward to catching up with you all again.

Paul