When Depression Creeps Back In
Why I’ve Been Quiet, What I’m Feeling, and Where I’m Finding Joy Again
I haven’t been around much lately, and today I found myself reflecting on why. I could list plenty of reasons—crippling fatigue, the foggy brain that seems to worsen as summer blooms here in England. All of that is true but in reality, it’s been a mental health break.
Recently, my mental health has taken a dip, and my recurring depression has raised its ugly head into just about everything I’ve tried to do. It’s not all-consuming (thankfully), but it’s a constant nagging hopelessness. I keep thinking it will lift, only for it to return the next day.
I could visit my doctor, but I can predict exactly how that will go. They’ll call, ask lots of questions—especially whether I’ve had any suicidal thoughts. When I say “no,” they’ll increase my antidepressant dosage for the umpteenth time and that will be that. I’ll then dutifully collect my prescription, pleased to be doing something tangible, and begin taking the higher dose.
I can’t knock antidepressants too much, they’ve helped me for a long time. But the situation is more nuanced than the doctor will admit. Every time I increase the dose, I feel the benefit… until a few months later, when the depression creeps back in. Sometimes I feel okay and ask my doctor to reduce them. Occasionally, I go rogue and do it myself, but decreasing is always much harder for me.
That’s partly why I’ve held off contacting the doctor this time, hoping my mood would lift on its own and to an extent, it has. Chronic illness has given me a resilience I never imagined five years ago. I can get through the bad days if I need to. In fact, I think the strategy is working: I’m not just surviving, I’m beginning to find little pockets of joy again at last.
That’s what led me back here—to you, and to our Substack community. I don’t yet have the energy to record a podcast, but I did feel compelled to write something about how I’ve been feeling. If any of this resonates with you, please do leave a comment. It genuinely helps to know I’m not the only one. I’d also love to hear your suggestions for topics you’d like me to write about next.
Until then, I hope your week is going well—and that you, too, find some pockets of joy.
Warmly,
Paul